Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
You Might Also Like
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”