I deactivated my Facebook so I won’t know if any bible verses are “so true” for a while.
Waitress: would you like another drink?
Me: Are you new?
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I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I have the bible on my iPod (stop laughing!) and it just had an update. Now I’m really confused …..
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.