@charrrllaa

Waitress: would you like another drink?

Me: Are you new?

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@Bagyants

I deactivated my Facebook so I won’t know if any bible verses are “so true” for a while.

@sip_at_home_mom

I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.

@BoogTweets

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

@sofarrsogud

DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.

ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.

@HockeyGoddess24

I have the bible on my iPod (stop laughing!) and it just had an update. Now I’m really confused …..

@Skullcat

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

@Kendragarden

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

@yupkirsten

friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that

@ObscureGent

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.