do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
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*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.