*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
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Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
hi why am I like this
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*