Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
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I can never remember if my best foot is supposed to go forward or in my mouth.
(Breaks car window to save a dog)
Guy: I’m in the car!
Me: Yeah but it’s hot
Him: The AC is on!
Me: Can I get in? It’s really hot out here.
Her: Your ego is kind of inflated isn’t it
Me: Not really. It’s always been this big
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior
Innkeeper: sorry busy around Christmas time
J: wtf around what time
My boyfriend isn’t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”