@Smooheed

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

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@trevso_electric

Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.

@jergarl

I can never remember if my best foot is supposed to go forward or in my mouth.

@sixfootcandy

(Breaks car window to save a dog)
Guy: I’m in the car!
Me: Yeah but it’s hot
Him: The AC is on!
Me: Can I get in? It’s really hot out here.

@tsm560

Her: Your ego is kind of inflated isn’t it

Me: Not really. It’s always been this big

@ShortSleeveSuit

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

@Barknado69

Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior

Innkeeper: sorry busy around Christmas time

J: wtf around what time

@BFNotAllowed

My boyfriend isn’t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.

@JoParkerBear

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

@squirrel74wkgn

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

@KeetPotato

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”