*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
You Might Also Like
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises