*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
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I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.