*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
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[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
All excellent questions
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name