It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
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Salad tastes pretty good once you add some Nutella and throw away the salad.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
My biggest regret of 2014?
Probably when my husband watched “The Notebook” with me and then I yelled at him for not building me a house
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!