*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
You Might Also Like
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever