I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
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There is no rest from this pa rum pum pum pum
This is the saddest product I have ever seen in my life.
I’d have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said “I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look”
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
You say stalker.
I say excellent research skills.
Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?
“I’LL BE BACH.”