@abbycohenwl

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

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@AngryRaccoon2

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

@marebytes

I’d have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said “I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look”

@ChaseMit

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

@mommajessiec

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

@FirecrackerKatt

You say stalker.

I say excellent research skills.

Also, your dryer cycle just buzzed.

@LMuenster

[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]

Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32

Me: shit

@3sunzzz

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

@crunkdumpster

Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?

“I’LL BE BACH.”