*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

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It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life

Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle


Salad tastes pretty good once you add some Nutella and throw away the salad.


Say it with flowers.

If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.


*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*



A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it


No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.


My biggest regret of 2014?

Probably when my husband watched “The Notebook” with me and then I yelled at him for not building me a house


Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*

Him: oh yeah

[my place]

Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!


They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.


Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.


Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!