About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
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My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Friends that check up on you >
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Hot Hot Hot
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.