@thenatewolf

*waits until a bird falls asleep, quietly creeps beside it’s nest*

HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO ARE YOU AWAKE!?!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS!?!

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@idkkiana

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

@junejuly12

If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.

If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.

@difficultpatty

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

@13spencer

“I’m a diamond in the rough.”

“That’s a whole lot of rough.”

@patnspankme

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

@dksc4life

ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe

HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy

PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed

@QwertyJones3

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

@English_Channel

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

@cmfh111

my daughter said her hand hurts when she moves it, her brother said “stop moving it then.”

my work here is done.