This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
*waits until a bird falls asleep, quietly creeps beside it’s nest*
HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO ARE YOU AWAKE!?!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THIS!?!
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If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
“I’m a diamond in the rough.”
“That’s a whole lot of rough.”
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
my daughter said her hand hurts when she moves it, her brother said “stop moving it then.”
my work here is done.