[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
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My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.