@imadepoopstoday

Wake Me Up Before You YOLO. #RuinAn80sSong

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@sarahndipity18

pixar movies 20 years ago: haha talking toys!

pixar movies now: how do you identify your life’s purpose? what structures your identity & makes you, you? how do you deal with love & loss? what can we do to find joy in life despite the meaninglessness of our existence? how do we

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!

@NOTVIKING

date: i think my eyebrows are my worst feature

me: [trying to compliment her] not true, you have many worse features

@DickMarcs

Confuse vegetarians by cutting vegetables into animal shapes.

@KieranSoFar

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

@TheKenyan_

I just want to buy an old Mercedes Benz,so people will think I have been rich for a long time.

@iinkedZombie

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

@jonnysun

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

@ImaFlyontheWall

Puts German chocolate in the fridge last night, this morning it’s taken over the area that the polish sausage was in..