Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
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if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
your honor my client chooses dare
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.