Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
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Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
“My advice to you: subtlety.” – The Joker, to Trump
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.