Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
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When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
how to have fun when you’re poor
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
cause of death:
autopsy.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight