@donni

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

- @donni

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@HeatherAntos

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

@Sanbel11

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

@jwoodham

Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.

@biggarf

I wasn’t good enough for you in high school but suddenly after 5 kids a husband and 3 boyfriends I’m starting to look good eh?

@Cycloptomese

My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.

@SortaBad

Manny Pacquiao says he would accept a rematch with Floyd Mayweather. “Yes, I will allow you to pay me another $100 million,” he told sources

@rebrafsim

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

@PleaseBeGneiss

5yo: Curious George is not a monkey

Me: yes he is

5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape

Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg

@Jake_Vig

ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?

ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.

@TheAlexNevil

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.