@donni

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

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@AcceptableLoses

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

@aveuaskew

Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?

@PetrickSara

Little known fact:

Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.

@DaHess1

Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Movie theaters that charge kids 3 and under $500 per ticket.

@SwirlySkittles

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

@uhhmmily

accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times

@MaryJustice86

My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.

@kumailn

“My advice to you: subtlety.” – The Joker, to Trump

@SteveKoehler22

Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.