Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@shhhitsokaynow

I was warned not to steal the kitchen utensils.

But it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

@juliussharpe

I root against my college football team. That place put me $80,000 in debt. It’d be like rooting for the bank that holds your mortgage.

@3sunzzz

My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.

@better_off_dad2

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

@WilliamRodgers

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

@QwertyJones3

[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]

HER: So what kind of car do you drive?

ME: A bookmobile.

@JamieGreenlees

If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.

@ehdannyboy

what’s for dinner?

ME: indian

we had indian last night

ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so

@Mom_Overboard

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

@mcclure111

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands