@carlyken: [bank robbery] OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN! [dave starts doing the electric slide] Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

@KarenLyneButler: I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week! Said by nobody. Ever.

@Mom_Overboard: Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier* Him: Is that... Are you filling that with vodka? Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR

@birdbutterer: I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I'd be grateful

@3sunzzz: [Thanksgiving Dinner] "Ursula, would you mind saying grace?" "I'd be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT...grace."