@theyearofelan

Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming “Are you sleeping?!?!”

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@VisionBored1

My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit

@dave_cactus

AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.

@brynnester

My therapist says it’s ok for me to cry in public as long as I wear clothes

@2tickytacky

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

@PyrBliss

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

@goldengateblond

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

@Donna_McCoy

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

@myonlymizztake

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

@007Pepe_Rex

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

@AristotlesNZ

5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They’re so cool!
Me: Whats so cool about turtles?
5yo: They can breath thru their butts!
Me: Grab your coat..