Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
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Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
scared to check what name she chose
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?