@theyearofelan
@VisionBored1
My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit
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@VisionBored1
@dave_cactus
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
@brynnester
My therapist says it’s ok for me to cry in public as long as I wear clothes
@2tickytacky
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
@PyrBliss
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
@goldengateblond
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
@Donna_McCoy
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
@myonlymizztake
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
@007Pepe_Rex
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
@AristotlesNZ
5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They’re so cool!
Me: Whats so cool about turtles?
5yo: They can breath thru their butts!
Me: Grab your coat..