Wake up your lover by hysterically screaming “Are you sleeping?!?!”

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My son asked where I was going because I was wearing my ‘big eyebrows’ so don’t tell me men don’t notice shit


AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.


My therapist says it’s ok for me to cry in public as long as I wear clothes


Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”


Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.


Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.


Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.


Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.


[At the Grand Canyon]


I L o v e T h i s P l a c e



GC: Let’s just be friends


5yo: Can we go get a turtle? They’re so cool!
Me: Whats so cool about turtles?
5yo: They can breath thru their butts!
Me: Grab your coat..