My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
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the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Wait for it
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.