Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
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I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.