Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
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I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
that de-escalated quickly
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.