*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
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CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Not today, today.
Not today.
handsome & gretel
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.