*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
You Might Also Like
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape
Be like Mario.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
If you have sex with someone from another country, make sure you give your best, cause you’ll be representing the whole country. Make us proud.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
It concerns me as a parent that damn near every Disney movie shows kids if your parents die you’ll become royalty and have a great life.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
My hairdresser told me that his marriage is crumbling. So, here’s my business idea: A hair salon where they don’t tell me shit like that.
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water