*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
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My Plans 2020
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!