Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
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Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.