*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
You Might Also Like
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
(2022)
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.