*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
You Might Also Like
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
adding to the discourse
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]