Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
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If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I missed you with all my darts
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”