*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
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If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
*praying for world peace*
God:
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?