*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
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Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Ugh but profoundly
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.