*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
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Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO