*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
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Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.