@chrisdowning

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

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@amydillon

Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.

@ThisOneSayz

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

@Vodkantots

When someone compliments you, look them in the eye and calmly state, “I refuse to accept this.”

Then walk away forever.

@aotakeo

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

@Chumpstring

[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it

@markleggett

The worst part of being an astronaut would be eventually having to come back to Earth and deal with other people.

@funnybeachgirl

If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”

@girlontapas

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

@DomBorrett

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’