*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
You Might Also Like
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?