Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
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Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
When someone compliments you, look them in the eye and calmly state, “I refuse to accept this.”
Then walk away forever.
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
– me, when alcohol is being poured
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
The worst part of being an astronaut would be eventually having to come back to Earth and deal with other people.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’