*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
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Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
They did not think through this water fountain
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent