[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
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is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together