*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
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I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.