*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
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Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
can’t catch a break
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*