*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
You Might Also Like
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
And now we wait
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
same bro
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.