[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
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I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.