Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.

I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-

Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!

I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.

People: My cell phone isn’t working today

Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.

People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?

Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.

Age 20: Gonna make something of my life

Age 30: Not really going as planned

Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE

things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.

Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,

You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

[Marvel pitch meeting]

“C’mon, just hear me out…”

“The answer is still no, Ted.”

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

[GOD CREATING DUCKS]

Give that chicken a kazoo.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.