*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
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Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.