[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
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Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Genius idea!!
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
When you don’t understand how floors work
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
😂😂
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art