[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
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I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Breaking news:
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks