[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
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[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
The French cow says MEUX…
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)