My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
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Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
God: you’re a bird.
God: but you can’t fly.
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Letting Russia host the Winter Olympics feels a little bit like letting Voldemort host the Quidditch Cup.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most