*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
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Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*