@iwearaonesie

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

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@Mom_Overboard

What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?

Christopher Walken

@RitleySammich

I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm’s main server and deleting the 4 DUIs.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

@Koogslaw

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

@Tommytoughstuff

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

@Jmboyd58

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

@curlycomedy

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

@drankturpentine

how to be a yogi

1. do a good stretch
2. get ready to steal hella picnic baskets