someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
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[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Girl, same.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep