*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

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Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.


She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?


Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.


[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?


Eat your school, stay in drugs, and don’t do vegetables.


I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.


EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics


My new bowflex comes tomorrow…so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.


If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.


Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?