@Gupton68

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”

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@Midgetspar

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

@iYoungKhalifa

She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*

@GianDoh

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

@Book_Krazy

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

@SRbeta

Eat your school, stay in drugs, and don’t do vegetables.

@impaulmccoy

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

@TheToddWilliams

EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!

SUN: whatever

EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?

SUN: Physics

@Adam14

My new bowflex comes tomorrow…so if anyone wants to buy a slightly used bowflex in a couple months let me know.

@ericsshadow

If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.

@McClaneJohn2

Why do people put ice cream in a bowl when it already comes in one?