*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
You Might Also Like
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair