Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
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Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.