*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
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Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
The Sun
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth