[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
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motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”