You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
Waking on campus and some girl said, “I like you a lot.” And I turned around and said thank you and realized she talking to the guy with her
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Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
If you ever want kids to get louder, just tell them you have a headache.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?
“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”