Waking on campus and some girl said, “I like you a lot.” And I turned around and said thank you and realized she talking to the guy with her

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Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?


Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan


During your interview, try ending every sentence with “dot jpg”.

“How would you say you handle job pressure?”

–Not a problem.jpg


It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.


Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.


First person to find a tooth in the nacho cheese gets a free tooth


When people ask me if I want to hold their baby, I just say “not sure if Im legally allowed to”. Then they leave me alone & Im happy again.