Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
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Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I think my mom just blocked me
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.