Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
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Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Noted.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?