@AtticusFinch79

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

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@zachreinert03

If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they’re probably blacked out and just won’t remember I stole their car.

@TheWeirdWorld

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

@TheAndrewNadeau

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

@LoveNLunchmeat

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

@Chip_Lappin

*Every coffee date*

Her: I’m studying Neuro-Molecular-Psychology. My emphasis is in reductive assimilation of the synapses.

Me: im curious about science too. like how do they make them blue skittles taste like cherry

@Mr_Kapowski

I’m that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed

@Mr_Kapowski

Dear Dreamworks,

How to Train Your Dragon was not the instructional movie I was hoping for since acquiring a Komodo dragon

@bransonreese

The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”

@thatdutchperson

[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”

@kumailn

“Well we’ve been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever.” – cops in GTA 5