[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

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If I see someone is too drunk I take their keys. Not for safety, they’re probably blacked out and just won’t remember I stole their car.


If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?


GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?


This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.


*Every coffee date*

Her: I’m studying Neuro-Molecular-Psychology. My emphasis is in reductive assimilation of the synapses.

Me: im curious about science too. like how do they make them blue skittles taste like cherry


I’m that guy who plays Pictionary and draws the shittiest representation of the clue and spends the entire time circling it at various speed


Dear Dreamworks,

How to Train Your Dragon was not the instructional movie I was hoping for since acquiring a Komodo dragon


The Ugly Duckling has the best moral: “everybody has to apologize to you if you get hot”


[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”


“Well we’ve been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever.” – cops in GTA 5