@AtticusFinch79

[waking up from a nightmare]

Him: Was it the one about zombies again?

Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes

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@FlyJ_

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

@dumbbeezie

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

@underrateDad

My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.

@sofarrsogud

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

@TVsCarlKinsella

POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.

ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY

@rachaelkelly18

The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today

@68Cly29

The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.

@patnspankme

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

@English_Channel

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?