The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
You Might Also Like
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
*sends self nudes to see what all the fuss is about