*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
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I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.