@OhNoSheTwitnt

Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]

Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]

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@Joyannah73

Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!

@JesKeepSwimming

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

@Coolisiana

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

@ginadivittorio

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

@PFTompkins

Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.

@FaisalAdam_

Asked a girl what I had to do to get her, she said, “GET LOST!”
So I stared…
Realising she wasn’t saying more, I asked, “which season?”

@OutOfLeftField_

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

@Rich_McCarthy

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.