My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
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Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
I saw a picture of myself on a milk carton once but my new family was rich so I kept my mouth shut.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
how can med students be sick,like bro just look at your notes