Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
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Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I wish all tests were things you peed on
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.